Writing companion animals from my own lived experience, or close to it in the case of Hank, the iguana in Luck Be A Healer, I’m well aware that our companions don’t live as long as we do. The ones who come closest live for decades, and unless you’re already an adult and looking at a large parrot or a tortoise, there’s a good chance you’ll outlive your animal companion. The same is true with horses.
Being in the pasture is bittersweet right now as we are in the final weeks before my senior mare gains her wings before winter. The arthritis in her front knees is causing pain, and one of her hind pasterns has arthritis in it from an injury about ten years ago. The spirit is willing, especially when I show up with treats, but the body is tried, and as she just turned 27 this month, I can also tell that it’s time for me, as her caretaker, to make the hardest decision out of love that I’ll ever have to make.
If I’m to be honest, it’s breaking my heart. I’m a grief specialist and educator; I’m trained in how to deal with this. And yet, as I make sure I’m following the Facebook page of the person who makes memorials out of horse tail hair and I find the person who posted six months ago in a local group offering their services to bury large animals (because my neighbor with the equipment ghosted us on a big project that literally is a matter of health and safety, and I will be damned if I trust him to do something this sensitive ever again.), I’m putting the pieces together for the time when it comes.
I’m also working hard to be present with the herd. With my heart horse’s filly, who is twelve this year (where has the time gone?), with the goofy gelding who has been her pasture companion since she arrived, with the other senior who could be the same age as my girl, or maybe a few years younger or older. We truly don’t know. And with goofy gelding’s dam, who is not goofy and very much the boss of the herd as my senior mare has aged. They need me too. And the truth is, I need them as well.
Why am I writing this? Why am I sitting here, trying not to bawl because I hate getting water spots on my glasses from tears, and telling you all of this?
Because if you are blessed to have a horse in your life, there’s a chance you may face this decision too. It’s also why I built my fantasy world so that my characters would never have to make this connection. That the magical bonded animal, even if that’s a bearded dragon or a parakeet, or even Vera’s Madagascar Hissing Cockroach, will live as long as the human to which its bonded. There will be no heartbreaking good-byes, no decisions made out of love and through tears. There will, and always will be, steady companionship and a lifelong friend.
If you are facing this decision or you have faced it, know that my thoughts are with you. It’s important to take care of yourself, and also, remember that it’s important to be present for your other companion animals if you have them. They deserve you too, because they will be grieving too.
When the day comes, the herd and I will grieve together.
